Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
