I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
