Do you still have your period?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
