Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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