speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
