And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
