afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
