we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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