so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
