Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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