My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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