Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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