Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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