so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
