Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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