Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I love how my cats smell like pot.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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