Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
