Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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