just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
