Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
