i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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