you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
