she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
