Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
