You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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