Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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