your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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