I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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