In the future we'll all be gay
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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