My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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