I can tuck mytits in my pants
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
And then my night got REAL pukey
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
