o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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