remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
