they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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