She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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