there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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