wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
