I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
high people should be assigned attendants
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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