I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
