my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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