Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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