you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
