So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
