You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
