U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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