I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm really busy with my period
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