Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
