I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
