i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
