Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
