I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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